Fragments 0.9

I’ve turned off the heat and the cooker
just made another hole in my belt
the 4th since that day
I’ve given away so many things
but kept your pictures on the wall
and the declaration you made
pinned to the fridge
with magnets and despair
cancer comes on fast and I wonder
if I can hasten it


My dog has sad eyes
as he looks at me
with understanding and empathy


I kept all the things I bought
for your birthday
an unexpected interruption
or a final heave to heaven


You’ll inherit all this, the mess and the random
with some surprise I suppose


Kisses and wishes and all of your lies
memories of breast and of thigh
forgotten with my welcomed demise


Condemning yourself to the romance of
a sodden paper bag
seems a strange way to live


I no longer have fresh flowers
that were always there for you
flowers die, decay is life’s revenge


If there were gods or mercy I would be
long gone from this and from your thoughts
if I was ever there


I’m kicking everyone out of my life
with disregard or callousness
I’m sure you remember how that works
you’re a master at it


Finally alone, unloved, unwanted
the forgetfulness I craved
the emptiness of sorrow
the raven scream of relinquished blood


We start and end in loneliness
and everything in between is lies and deception


Hiphop 0.3

This is what it feels like to feel alone
locked into my house no longer feels like my home
this is what it feels like to feel nothing
staring at the walls straining for something
holding tight just trying to keep from crying and cutting

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

This is what it looks like in the mirror when I see me
locked inside my head where nobody can hear me
ain’t really smiled in months not since the time you last saw me
I guess I have to understand that you must really hate me

I cannot stop believing that you wish that I was dead
it happens when I’m struggling with the demons in my head
happens often at night when I’m in that lonely bed
wonder what I’d look like lying drowned in the riverbed

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

If I believed in any gods I’d be on my knees and praying
but there’s nobody listening to a single word I’m saying
the walls are closing in my eyes blank from your betraying
nobody to hear the music and words of my emotions fraying

I been reaching and searching for something I cannot find
trapped inside the horror of the loss and in my own mind
making beats nobody ever hears with my own rhyme
each one sealed and delivered and with my grief self-signed

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

Peace

Sun

Bones bleach fast in the withering air
and I would rather mine lie in desert than snow
picked clean by lizard and vulture and insect
by coyote and puma and the desiccating calefaction
of relentless sun
White and scattered with the rocks and the dust
relics on the landscape lost in time
I will be strange artifacts as a keepsake to be found
by some yet-to-come archaeologist
the heat bakes and boils the air in strange shapes
by the creosote bush in the blaze
‘til the crepuscular gloom brings forth to feast
on flesh drier than ancient leather
from whence all moisture fled
those scavengers of the dusk
Blood seeps from sunken eyes as skin sags
on exsiccated bones, tongue swelled and black
as words finally flee in delirious stupor
muscles cramp in agonizing contortions
until the delusions of dehydration
render meaningless those torments
Will that archaeologist wonder
at these scattered remains?
Will salt still cling to sunken cheek?
Or will this lie unseen forever in desert oblivion

Snow

I’m shivering with cold despite the heat in the house
and it’s probably because I barely eat anymore
having lost interest and pleasure in all things
outside the window wind tears leaves and flings them groundward
inside the ragged melody of my breath catches and hangs
as unimportant as my damp hollowed cheeks
I’m waiting on winter despite my chill
when those bruised and battered skies
brood heavy over the frozen land
I’m waiting on the winter soul
that freezes blood and rattles bone in cages of flesh
when crow caw dulled by cold white snow
is all the sound that comes
across the icy air and sallow fields
I’m waiting on the killing cold that blues
the skin of the exposed and distracted
that stings and burns in unrelenting detachment
the insides of abattoirs less drenched in hiemal frost
I will walk the land as frigid as your human heart
and damn the spring to come

Rain

I’m shutting down my computer
changing passwords and access
there’s no fear left in me
I’m shutting down my phone
with a long-winded phrase
no delight or damnation
awaits
I’m shutting down my house
and my car and my clothes
detached from those things now
I’m putting on a record
so carefully chosen
I’ll dance this one time
until darkness arrives
I’ve put on a mask
a liar’s face of okay
but nothing is or will be
and maybe that is what
makes this fine
I’m putting on a corset of rough hemp
and fibre
scratching while holding
in my unheld hands
rain falls soft over my shoulder
rain falls soft over my head
rain falls soft over my sorrow
rain falls soft
rains falls
rain

Days

Another year has passed today
brute reminder of time and tide
and I remember one year ago
and other times long past in shuttered forgetfulness
of tear stained pages torn from lost notebooks
and memory
How bright the world then in autumn blush
now drowned in bitter rain
another year passed and maybe last
as my purposeful inaction brings a closing
an end to the weariness and ennui
those malign cells multiplying as I do nothing
to stop the spread
instead offering them a warm welcome
in this worn out frame
Another year passes to be marked with
sorrow and tears
unbidden remembrances of joy
and acerbic mementos of other days
I am a relic of myself now
not some cherished keepsake or souvenir
but a buried secret and an untold story
and would that I could vanish now
as forgot as a discarded toy
that none should mourn nor pity
on this of all days let it be so
Let there be no indication that I ever passed this way
Let there be neither memory nor thought
neither echo nor response
the strains of my piano faded and gone
guitars unstrung and voice not heard
we are all forgotten in time
I just wish it sooner, more thorough, more complete
and now biology will answer honour that request
with malformed cells and spreading death
Today my keyboard sings sad jazz
my fingers remember old ways and forms
as I improvise and find haunting melody
my voice now a breathy catch
of sadness and soul
I play an hour on a theme from
my funny valentine
the keys aching with each note and each
phrase in hushed lips
spider fingers on cobweb keys
I play for myself and for you
on this day, in this place
in the growing dark
wrapped in it’s warm embrace
writing shit poetry
and keyboard riffs
and hoping the end come soon

Naomh Briste

I am the shattered saint, patron of the broken
ahead a ragged army of the lost and the forsaken
I’m the empath with lost faith
the humanitarian with no trust
in humanity
I thank the gods that this will end
I thank the gods that none will care
I am the shabby martyr for all your sins
patron of the distraught and distressed
I’m the lonely voice for all the bereft
keening cry unheard
I am the silent scream of the crucified soul
thankful that none shall hear
I am the lost and lonely in overwhelming sea
I am the burned and bridled to witch’s stakes
I am the vengeance unspoke and the words unwrit
I am the sacrifice that you made
I am love without reason and hate in a word
I am passion personified
I am a figure left on a broken cross
in hands and side I bleed
I am the shattered saint without remorse
on whom the lovelorn feed
this army march with splitted tongues
and while they have their truth
I still must write these fractured words
thank gods it’s over soon

Augury

There’s a street prophet singing songs of sorrow
about the coming of the end of the world
and we know he’s right and somehow holy
with his guitar and coins thrown in pity
he looks like Marlon Brando or Killer Mike
and I can’t tell the difference in this light
His words are all Joe Strummer; the ring
of his acoustic guitar
with the stickers and the battered frets
a counterpoint to his tapping toes
I clutch the ticket – one way out of here –
as I wait for the train. The melody he plays
a stark reminder of the earth in crisis
humanity unredeemed as we destroy our home
My train is late and I’ll ride to the end of the line
a thousand miles away
haunted all the way by this seer of visions
His clothes are tattered as mine
torn and grubby from life’s infinitesimal tremors
I think I see or imagine, a catch in his voice
or a tear in his eye, diviner of decrepit humanity
We share a glance, both heading the same way
to some unknown destination
anywhere but here
the echoes of his chorus my companion into the night

Shanty

I am the mariner
the captain of this ship
I am lost and gone to sea
I lost the astrolabe
and now I’m all awash
with nothing left here to believe

My compass spins around, as if to find some home
If only I had never been such a shattered man – oh oh

That has so far passed me by
I see the rocks ahead
they beckon me to meekly wreck
if I will drown within
your waves will wash me clean
my final words are from this deck

If in this storm I hear your damning siren song
Then broken on these angry rocks cannot be wrong — oh oh

I sailed for all these years
I wanted all my fears
to be swept beneath your sea
but only I remain
of all who sailed away
now there is no one left but me

And if I lash myself to the mast like dying lamb
Would it be the sacrifice that you wished to have – oh oh

I’ve sailed the oceans wide
where once your love you plied
and offered solace from the sea
but stars no longer guide
drawn to this endless tide
and once was lost I am relieved

If in this stormy sea you cannot hear
The screaming of this captain then I am lost to fear – oh oh

You hung the albatross
around my neck and mocked
the loss of all I left behind
and there is life-in-death
her foul and fetid breath
reminder of such better times

If in doubt as you would always ever be
Then cast me out into this dark and stormy sea – oh oh

I’ll cast the bird aside
I’ll suffer all reprise
as you knock me from my feet
and if this suffering
be what you’re offering
I’ll take it just to be with thee

If my heart would be but less than to you true
I would rather sink into this hell that you left me too – oh oh

Save me, brave my
Honesty and love and let your fingers
Find my broken handed glove and be there
Waiting, melting, even if you doubt I will you true
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Wraith (villanelle)

Dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots
of ancient forests in dank swamps and the scent of rotted bloom
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

We find ourselves in obeyance or thrall to these emotional brutes
shackled in destitution against the overgrown walls of the room
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots

We wind these trails through the darkened realm and find our routes
while fates at their play or their malice do weave us on their looms
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

We walk this path with the stench of decay and taste love’s bitter fruits
awash with dread and the cold damp everlasting gloom
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots

Stagger then, along this aisle of grasping leaves and tangled shoots
where wonders dashed like fallen stone and our lives entomb
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

Here no piper plays and ourselves in depth we prosecute
each a mask to hide behind in full seasonal costume
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots