Castaway

These are the things we leave behind
in vanity or consideration of forgiveness
and the ones I leave for you

the photographs that are mostly of you
and the memories of towering passion
and elegant devotion

the will and testament in your name
duly notarized and signed for reference
waiting on the day to come

the echoes of laughter and conversation
and the songs you never heard
fading in the empty rooms

the remnants of walks with hands held close
and kisses stolen in every sweet moment
the recollection of loving caresses

you probably think of the madness
that took me in my grief and despair
but these are softer things I leave

the unused trip we were to take
that fateful day itself, to be entwined
in tender arms those days and nights

the letter by the bed, your name on the front
with heart-felt words and sincerest reverence
consecrated in your name

these are the things I leave behind
in lament and mourning
the ones I leave for you

I’m torn as to what I should do. I’m more than tempted to turn down the offer I got to move south and make music. But it’s an option. So is remaining in this area. Or returning to the desert I loved. Or simply vanishing from all existence and all contact, untraceable and forgotten. Becoming impossible to contact or find to any I have known, family or what remains of my friends. There is much temptation in that, and I know none would notice me gone for days or weeks, nor yet miss me in any meaningful way. A lot about that is appealing. I’ve already been forgotten by not just the one who mattered the most but by near everyone else I knew as well.

Souls

I’m collecting the souls of the people I knew
the ones who mattered to me, although there are few
in small glass bottles and kept on a shelf
they refract the light from the window
in rainbow prisms of scattered luminosity
yours is pink and it dances the light
in patterns on the wall

I write songs to the souls, especially yours
in the vain hope of prayers answered
I wonder if they listen as I sing, in broken tones
those melodies I’ve written for only their perception
crawling sounds of truth in music
songs of sorrow and of love believed
drifting to entropy in the air

I mumble pleas to the souls on their shelf
supplications and appeals
for unlistening remnants of divinity
in those reliquary bottles of the past
staring vacant at the blush from yours
with eyes of hazel solitude
unrivaled in their empty sorrow

Slump

The one voice I need is not here
no empathy or caring on this day or others
broken echoes of lost love and compassion

I suffer alone in remembrance
without friend nor love
painted sorrow unseen

this is the way of the world
uncaring universe in brutal physics
and uncaring human in shallow heart

I scream unheard into the sorrow sky
no hand to hold or comfort to receive
adrift and alone in unwanted dispassion

So I drink and I smoke and I howl
if you listen hard enough
you might hear your name

and Auden said, in some benevolent moment
let the more loving one be me
and I was, I think, I know, I infer

but I believed in that equal affection
that world of possible future past
deceived by your redeeming words

the belief has been my dissolution
an ending without the final blow
oblivion slide

Dialect II

A’m na mair th’ jimmy ye knew
in word nor speech nor flight
I am na mair th’ bard of
verses o’ delight

I am na mair that braw soul
now seeming tae juist be
I am th’ bard o’ bitter words
I am grawin old

I am bound ‘n’ a’m lost, ah aye lassy yer face
though ah be fun ‘n’ count th’ cost
always be a saddened breath
and then mah hert be soft

I stravaig noo in shadow dance
some shade o’ times lang gone
I am nae yit an echo of
mah whispers or mah song

My dialect isn’t great but I will keep working on it. English translation below

I am no more the man you knew
in word nor speech nor flight
I am no more the poet of
verses of delight

I am no more that handsome soul
now seeming to just be
I am the bard of bitter words
I am growing old

I am bound and I am lost, I still miss your face
though I be found and count the cost
always be a saddened breath
and then my heart be soft

I wander now in shadow dance
some shade of times long gone
I am not yet an echo of
my whispers or my song

Shower

I sit on the floor in the shower
cascade over bone and taut skin
those are not tears
I promise
just the fall of the water on my face
why would I cry?
in admission of sorrow or loss
there are stages to grief and I am stuck
between shock and depression
sallow skin in harmony with sadness
I cannot paint you
in the colours of the world and spring
my brush will not follow my fingers
and the smears of painted remorse
are my sole expression
do you remember we wanted
to take photographs?
together with some talented artist
making mementoes of ourselves
and the adoration new shared
water washes salt from my face
deluge of dolorous disenchantment
I would weep and wail
but I promise you I am not
although that might be a lie
the water has become cold now
and still I sit
skin on the plastic comfort of the tub
I am still not weeping
those tears merely a hallucination of the mind
under the chill and on the firm
arrogance of departure

Fly (song)

This is a bit of a departure in terms of musical style. It’s very much ‘singer-songwriter with a piano’. It won’t make any album cut I can think of, but I might do a recording of it myself just because I like it. The structure is very simple. It sounds very very sad when I sing it

baby can you see me
baby can you feel me
baby can you hear me calling for you

stuck inside my head now
praying for you somehow
baby listen hard and listen true

and I—–
just want to fly
from this place on your wings
and try
to put the past behind while I hear your breath sing

maybe it was the lighting
but the world seemed a lot less frightening
now I’m scared with everything I do

maybe it was the music
in my head until I used it
everything in my world was better with you

and I—–
just want to fly
from this place on your wings
and try
to put the past behind while I hear your breath sing

baby do you dream me
baby do you think of me
baby tell something so I can know

staring at the silent walls
remembering the rise and fall
of the empire that we built just so

and I—–
just want to fly
from this place on your wings
and try
to put the past behind while I hear your breath sing

I want to fly
I want to fly
I want to fly
away
with you

Valentine

It’s that day and I got you a card
to join the others in melancholy boxes
words unread in stagnant solitude
lines written in nervous hand
teardrop letters in rows of sorrow
and love expressed in prose

My eyes are gold in this light
hazel reflections of dawn’s rise
machine thrum of the morning
an echo of heartbeat lost
just photographs on the wall
raw reminders haunting each moment

I wrote in the card and pulled it
tight to my chest
a kiss to the envelope as if
sealing the emotions inside
with longing shook hands
and deep shuddering breath

I wrote in the card and thought
of your laugh and your smile
your body and your scent held
tight against my skin
in the afterglow of passion
and remembered warmth

It’s that day and I got you a card
filled it with words
pining and yearning
moth to deadly flame I fly
gladly to doom if called
to give to you those words

Strain (song)

Babygirl, since you been gone I been falling in
lost in my own thoughts is the way it is
dependent on hope that is long gone
barely alive and it’s been so long

Don’t even know if I’m still breathing
can’t even tell if my heart’s still beating
trapped inside the loneliness and trapped inside my head
trapped in my mind with no way to get out

Nothing to do so I’m still smoking
hiding my feelings in the weed I’m toking
nothing but pain so I’m still drinking
don’t tell anyone what I’m really thinking

Can’t feel the blood in my veins running
know what I need and it means something
I pass out on the floor my brain still bleeding
unable to find any real meaning

I’m lost in my mind, spend most of my time, fucked up writing rhymes, or sleeping alone
stuck in my head, wishing that I was dead, toss and turn in my bed, can’t so I don’t
I drink too much booze, I got nothing to lose, you’ll see me on the news, when the album drops
I smoke too much weed, I’m so ill at ease, I just wanna scream, I want everything to stop

I can’t take the pain, I can’t the pain, I can’t the pain
Strain

Famous (song)

The more I go, the more I stay
the more I feel the ground just giving way
beneath my feet, it’s so hard to breath
I’d be lying if I said I was okay

I didn’t ask to turn out like this
emotions so powerful I can’t dismiss
sometimes they give me nothing but bliss
most of the time they leave me in broken bits

I don’t care about rich, I don’t care about famous
and the rhymes I have to share are all fucking shameless
they telling me that I should be reaching for greatness
but I’m scared that the pain I feel is contagious

Perform behind a mask so nobody can see me
babygirl when I’m done you’ll more well-known than me
all of my life with my heart on my sleeve
now all I got is music and the loneliness inside me

I don’t care what happens to me
I been lost near a year, nothing left that can hurt me
my rhymes have become part someone else’s dream
they’re still part of me, a kind of a scream

If my songs make you famous I’d say that I’m sorry
but I write outta pain I ain’t looking for glory
and I’m trying to express all these feelings inside me
in public because I got no real place to hide me

The more I go, the more I stay
the more I feel the ground just giving way
beneath my feet, it’s so hard to breath
I’d be lying if I said I was okay

Ride (song)

Some days I just don’t want to get up
wanna fall into a sleep from which I never wake up
I don’t know if this is the way my life is I feel numb
whisky haze until the end of the world comes

I think of the years and the tears all the times I cried
not living a life I’m just along for the ride
why I’m here while so many others died
think I ain’t got anything left on the inside

I don’t wanna try no more, not be lost in this life no more
nothing seems to define who I am no more, wish I could find the way back to before
hard to love when you hate yourself, but I love anyway leave nothing on the shelf
heart on my sleeve like a forgotten book, every day I live seems to make it worse

People are asking if I’m doing okay
at least the ones I have left that I didn’t chase away
they ask with sincerity and I just lie to them
tell them I’m alright, pretend to be fine to them

Some days I just want to drive off a bridge
it can be hard to keep going without a reason to live
but I keep breathing and dreaming in my mind
but breathing ain’t the same thing as being alive

I don’t wanna try no more, not be lost in this life no more
nothing seems to define who I am no more, wish I could find the way back to before
hard to love when you hate yourself, but I love anyway leave nothing on the shelf
heart on my sleeve like a forgotten book, every day I live seems to make it worse