Fragments 0.9

I’ve turned off the heat and the cooker
just made another hole in my belt
the 4th since that day
I’ve given away so many things
but kept your pictures on the wall
and the declaration you made
pinned to the fridge
with magnets and despair
cancer comes on fast and I wonder
if I can hasten it


My dog has sad eyes
as he looks at me
with understanding and empathy


I kept all the things I bought
for your birthday
an unexpected interruption
or a final heave to heaven


You’ll inherit all this, the mess and the random
with some surprise I suppose


Kisses and wishes and all of your lies
memories of breast and of thigh
forgotten with my welcomed demise


Condemning yourself to the romance of
a sodden paper bag
seems a strange way to live


I no longer have fresh flowers
that were always there for you
flowers die, decay is life’s revenge


If there were gods or mercy I would be
long gone from this and from your thoughts
if I was ever there


I’m kicking everyone out of my life
with disregard or callousness
I’m sure you remember how that works
you’re a master at it


Finally alone, unloved, unwanted
the forgetfulness I craved
the emptiness of sorrow
the raven scream of relinquished blood


We start and end in loneliness
and everything in between is lies and deception


Snow

I’m shivering with cold despite the heat in the house
and it’s probably because I barely eat anymore
having lost interest and pleasure in all things
outside the window wind tears leaves and flings them groundward
inside the ragged melody of my breath catches and hangs
as unimportant as my damp hollowed cheeks
I’m waiting on winter despite my chill
when those bruised and battered skies
brood heavy over the frozen land
I’m waiting on the winter soul
that freezes blood and rattles bone in cages of flesh
when crow caw dulled by cold white snow
is all the sound that comes
across the icy air and sallow fields
I’m waiting on the killing cold that blues
the skin of the exposed and distracted
that stings and burns in unrelenting detachment
the insides of abattoirs less drenched in hiemal frost
I will walk the land as frigid as your human heart
and damn the spring to come

Days

Another year has passed today
brute reminder of time and tide
and I remember one year ago
and other times long past in shuttered forgetfulness
of tear stained pages torn from lost notebooks
and memory
How bright the world then in autumn blush
now drowned in bitter rain
another year passed and maybe last
as my purposeful inaction brings a closing
an end to the weariness and ennui
those malign cells multiplying as I do nothing
to stop the spread
instead offering them a warm welcome
in this worn out frame
Another year passes to be marked with
sorrow and tears
unbidden remembrances of joy
and acerbic mementos of other days
I am a relic of myself now
not some cherished keepsake or souvenir
but a buried secret and an untold story
and would that I could vanish now
as forgot as a discarded toy
that none should mourn nor pity
on this of all days let it be so
Let there be no indication that I ever passed this way
Let there be neither memory nor thought
neither echo nor response
the strains of my piano faded and gone
guitars unstrung and voice not heard
we are all forgotten in time
I just wish it sooner, more thorough, more complete
and now biology will answer honour that request
with malformed cells and spreading death
Today my keyboard sings sad jazz
my fingers remember old ways and forms
as I improvise and find haunting melody
my voice now a breathy catch
of sadness and soul
I play an hour on a theme from
my funny valentine
the keys aching with each note and each
phrase in hushed lips
spider fingers on cobweb keys
I play for myself and for you
on this day, in this place
in the growing dark
wrapped in it’s warm embrace
writing shit poetry
and keyboard riffs
and hoping the end come soon

Naomh Briste

I am the shattered saint, patron of the broken
ahead a ragged army of the lost and the forsaken
I’m the empath with lost faith
the humanitarian with no trust
in humanity
I thank the gods that this will end
I thank the gods that none will care
I am the shabby martyr for all your sins
patron of the distraught and distressed
I’m the lonely voice for all the bereft
keening cry unheard
I am the silent scream of the crucified soul
thankful that none shall hear
I am the lost and lonely in overwhelming sea
I am the burned and bridled to witch’s stakes
I am the vengeance unspoke and the words unwrit
I am the sacrifice that you made
I am love without reason and hate in a word
I am passion personified
I am a figure left on a broken cross
in hands and side I bleed
I am the shattered saint without remorse
on whom the lovelorn feed
this army march with splitted tongues
and while they have their truth
I still must write these fractured words
thank gods it’s over soon

Shanty

I am the mariner
the captain of this ship
I am lost and gone to sea
I lost the astrolabe
and now I’m all awash
with nothing left here to believe

My compass spins around, as if to find some home
If only I had never been such a shattered man – oh oh

That has so far passed me by
I see the rocks ahead
they beckon me to meekly wreck
if I will drown within
your waves will wash me clean
my final words are from this deck

If in this storm I hear your damning siren song
Then broken on these angry rocks cannot be wrong — oh oh

I sailed for all these years
I wanted all my fears
to be swept beneath your sea
but only I remain
of all who sailed away
now there is no one left but me

And if I lash myself to the mast like dying lamb
Would it be the sacrifice that you wished to have – oh oh

I’ve sailed the oceans wide
where once your love you plied
and offered solace from the sea
but stars no longer guide
drawn to this endless tide
and once was lost I am relieved

If in this stormy sea you cannot hear
The screaming of this captain then I am lost to fear – oh oh

You hung the albatross
around my neck and mocked
the loss of all I left behind
and there is life-in-death
her foul and fetid breath
reminder of such better times

If in doubt as you would always ever be
Then cast me out into this dark and stormy sea – oh oh

I’ll cast the bird aside
I’ll suffer all reprise
as you knock me from my feet
and if this suffering
be what you’re offering
I’ll take it just to be with thee

If my heart would be but less than to you true
I would rather sink into this hell that you left me too – oh oh

Save me, brave my
Honesty and love and let your fingers
Find my broken handed glove and be there
Waiting, melting, even if you doubt I will you true
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Wraith (villanelle)

Dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots
of ancient forests in dank swamps and the scent of rotted bloom
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

We find ourselves in obeyance or thrall to these emotional brutes
shackled in destitution against the overgrown walls of the room
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots

We wind these trails through the darkened realm and find our routes
while fates at their play or their malice do weave us on their looms
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

We walk this path with the stench of decay and taste love’s bitter fruits
awash with dread and the cold damp everlasting gloom
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots

Stagger then, along this aisle of grasping leaves and tangled shoots
where wonders dashed like fallen stone and our lives entomb
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

Here no piper plays and ourselves in depth we prosecute
each a mask to hide behind in full seasonal costume
dreams lie shattered to be swept like broken glass from ‘midst the roots
hope lies crushed and broken beneath the heels of eternity’s boots

Surmise

Hope is the worst of human emotions
it reeks of false promises and hollow vows
it crumbles with inevitable certitude
to dust, dry on the remains of the skeletal floor
Hope lies to us all, with it’s thought of better times
and all dreams become nightmares
as it fails and collapses into ruin
and when the poet wrote of the sign at the gates of hell
perhaps those words ought be inscribed
for each of us at our birth
Abandon all hope, ye who enter this world
Hope whispers lies in our ears and in our hearts
perhaps Pandora ought never have let it free
Hope springs eternal damnation and suffering
it is naught but a chimera
a mirage of the oasis in the desert as we
blindly rush to our doom amidst the wreckage
Hope is a whirlwind of destruction on the human soul
it rends our flesh and grinds our bones
it shreds our hearts and souls in wanton fury
the torturer of humanity, mocking as it laughs
in the face of our torment
Hope is the hell that binds us

Angel

I brought your ashes home today
locked safe in an urn, waiting there
to be mixed with my own
I still think I see you
from the corner of my eye
or hear you on the edge of thought
if I just listen hard enough
I still feel your affectionate self
curled up with me in happy song
I brought your ashes home today
and they sit now on the shelf
a shrine to love departed
and memory of sweetness
You were fearless in your love
seeking nothing but the same in return
I miss you, sweet friend
and I weep for you still

Accept

I give you these things, with no rancour or regret
those sonnets I wrote
and other words less lofty
in their imagined flights of fanciful longing
the arrows for my bow
the pictures of you that still hang on the walls
and the walls themselves
My guitars and my songs both of beauty and of loss
I give you the table where we sat
and ate what I had made
I give you the bed where we would lie
so safe in each other’s embrace
I give you the remnants of my soul
I give you the place where once there were
always flowers placed there just for you
I give you a faded memory of love
I give you the gifts that you never claimed
now lying in boxes on the dresser
I give you the desk where I wrote for you
those lines you used to say you loved
I give you my heart in all fullness
which was ever yours
I give these scars both new and old
the left-over wreckage that bound
and I hope I leave no scar on you
no memory of the love I feel or the lies of love you spoke
I give you what you said
that you had never felt love like this
I give you the richness of life
I give you my forgiveness
I do not give you sorrow or tears of grief
or the right to lament
for such would be foolish in this time
you abrogated that right some time past
instead I give you this love eternal
though you quickly forget and forswear
I do not give you the right to weep
not one single teardrop should fall
from your blue eyes in this moment
I do not give you the right to grieve or to mourn or to pity
I give you, as I once promised, those pictures of me
So long deleted
Those saffron flowers and broken dreams
I give you this breath
I give you this heartbeat
I give you this last vacant stare
forgive me as I have forgiven you

Babylon (song)

You could have saved me, if only you cared
You could have cut through this grief
If you had once but shared
But you’d rather I suffer
In this Babylon pain
And you would I rather
Suffer this shame
I’ll ride on this river of Babylon shame
I’ll ride in the street of this Babylon blame
I’ll ride on the ridges of Babylon high
I’ll fall in the depths as Babylon dies
You could have come while I was lost in this fall
You could have come, mitigated it all
You could have come made it all alright
You could have come, put sun in the light
I’ll ride on this river of Babylon shame
I’ll ride in the street of this Babylon blame
I’ll ride on the ridges of Babylon high
I’ll fall in the depths as Babylon dies
No one ever answers the phone for me
No one ever answers the call from me
No one ever whispers the words I need to hear
Nobody calms this cold dead fear
I’ll ride on this river of Babylon shame
I’ll ride in the street of this Babylon blame
I’ll ride on the ridges of Babylon high
I’ll fall in the depths as Babylon dies