Strain (song)

Babygirl, since you been gone I been falling in
lost in my own thoughts is the way it is
dependent on hope that is long gone
barely alive and it’s been so long

Don’t even know if I’m still breathing
can’t even tell if my heart’s still beating
trapped inside the loneliness and trapped inside my head
trapped in my mind with no way to get out

Nothing to do so I’m still smoking
hiding my feelings in the weed I’m toking
nothing but pain so I’m still drinking
don’t tell anyone what I’m really thinking

Can’t feel the blood in my veins running
know what I need and it means something
I pass out on the floor my brain still bleeding
unable to find any real meaning

I’m lost in my mind, spend most of my time, fucked up writing rhymes, or sleeping alone
stuck in my head, wishing that I was dead, toss and turn in my bed, can’t so I don’t
I drink too much booze, I got nothing to lose, you’ll see me on the news, when the album drops
I smoke too much weed, I’m so ill at ease, I just wanna scream, I want everything to stop

I can’t take the pain, I can’t the pain, I can’t the pain
Strain

Famous (song)

The more I go, the more I stay
the more I feel the ground just giving way
beneath my feet, it’s so hard to breath
I’d be lying if I said I was okay

I didn’t ask to turn out like this
emotions so powerful I can’t dismiss
sometimes they give me nothing but bliss
most of the time they leave me in broken bits

I don’t care about rich, I don’t care about famous
and the rhymes I have to share are all fucking shameless
they telling me that I should be reaching for greatness
but I’m scared that the pain I feel is contagious

Perform behind a mask so nobody can see me
babygirl when I’m done you’ll more well-known than me
all of my life with my heart on my sleeve
now all I got is music and the loneliness inside me

I don’t care what happens to me
I been lost near a year, nothing left that can hurt me
my rhymes have become part someone else’s dream
they’re still part of me, a kind of a scream

If my songs make you famous I’d say that I’m sorry
but I write outta pain I ain’t looking for glory
and I’m trying to express all these feelings inside me
in public because I got no real place to hide me

The more I go, the more I stay
the more I feel the ground just giving way
beneath my feet, it’s so hard to breath
I’d be lying if I said I was okay

Ride (song)

Some days I just don’t want to get up
wanna fall into a sleep from which I never wake up
I don’t know if this is the way my life is I feel numb
whisky haze until the end of the world comes

I think of the years and the tears all the times I cried
not living a life I’m just along for the ride
why I’m here while so many others died
think I ain’t got anything left on the inside

I don’t wanna try no more, not be lost in this life no more
nothing seems to define who I am no more, wish I could find the way back to before
hard to love when you hate yourself, but I love anyway leave nothing on the shelf
heart on my sleeve like a forgotten book, every day I live seems to make it worse

People are asking if I’m doing okay
at least the ones I have left that I didn’t chase away
they ask with sincerity and I just lie to them
tell them I’m alright, pretend to be fine to them

Some days I just want to drive off a bridge
it can be hard to keep going without a reason to live
but I keep breathing and dreaming in my mind
but breathing ain’t the same thing as being alive

I don’t wanna try no more, not be lost in this life no more
nothing seems to define who I am no more, wish I could find the way back to before
hard to love when you hate yourself, but I love anyway leave nothing on the shelf
heart on my sleeve like a forgotten book, every day I live seems to make it worse

Sleep (song – rework)

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I still think about you
can’t laugh, won’t cry, I still dream about you
every day you’re in my mind, can’t be without you
I’m fading inside, all I can do is sing about you

trying to find a way but can’t seem to reach you
and you never tried to find a way to at least give me closure
so I’m writing rhymes and bass and keys and drums
don’t give a fuck if the end of the world comes
when a man doesn’t care what happens to him
no amount of fear or shame can get beneath his skin
they can put me jail or shoot me in the streets
either way is unimportant other people got my beats
don’t care if I disappear or become famous
a man without hope is motherfucking shameless

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I still think about you
can’t laugh, won’t cry, I still dream about you
every day you’re in my mind, can’t be without you
I’m fading inside, all I can do is sing about you

If I feel guilt for what I said and done after
it should be overfilled with the coldness that you brought with you
you wanna bring me to my knees like you did before
do it I just don’t care for this shit no more
they can shoot me and kill me or lock me up
don’t give a shit, without you I don’t give a fuck
let them take me I’ll spit in their faces too
only thing I gave a fuck about in the world was you
producer got my beats going to release them
songs all about you although my heart and my mind are numb

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I still think about you
can’t laugh, won’t cry, I still dream about you
every day you’re in my mind, can’t be without you
I’m fading inside, all I can do is sing about you

Ain’t got no fire but I’m screaming scorched earth
I realized that nothing you said ain’t got no worth
property of daddy was what your sign said
still got it on my fridge for anything it meant
still staring with my eyes unfocused and glazed
with the panties you left in my mailbox when I was away
you gave it to me and it’s the only thing I read
I’m lost and you don’t even care to look for me your silence said
don’t give a fuck if I rise or fall don’t care what happens
I was never in your thoughts I was just some distraction

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I still think about you
can’t laugh, won’t cry, I still dream about you
every day you’re in my mind, can’t be without you
I’m fading inside, all I can do is sing about you

Reworked lyrics at the request of the producer.

Dress (song)

Why do all the love songs remind me of you
Why is the colour of my world your eyes so blue
Why did I believe your heart was true
Everyday I feel the pain, think about you

Roses are red but the rooms are all black
did you say you loved me from some kind of lack
drinking whisky to pick up the slack
Everyday I feel the pain, I keep singing tracks

Why do all the sad songs remind me of what we had
why is the sound of my world something that feels bad
why am I alone and awake at night
why am I shaking as I find the words to write

why am I still dreaming about you
is there something in the way that you made me move
why am I still unable to make this true
we could have made a life that was brand new

Roses are red but the rooms are all black
did you say you loved me from some kind of lack
drinking whisky to pick up the slack
Everyday I feel the pain, I keep singing tracks

Miss the people who are gone from my life
like you and my daughter and the ones who were too high
but it’s you I feel the most shame for
why am I thinking of the dress I bought that you wore

Why do all the love songs remind me of you
Why is the colour of my world your eyes so blue
Why did I believe your heart was true
Everyday I feel the pain, think about you

I will not post the musical structure of any of my songs, especially now with the new contract. But lyrics are okay.

All the things (song)

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate you told me was driving us

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate your vowed

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I know sometimes I’m hazy
I know that I sound crazy
a mere memory of you is enough to break my day

and the memories still haunt me
your words they still implore me
devote my life to dreams that you will never make real

When we lay and we made love
I felt like I was drawn above
all the things of this world we knew

All the things of this world we knew
All the things of this world we knew

(spoken)
I still love you

This is an R&B song primarily. I wrote it in a furiously inspired 20 minutes. It verges into emo-rap as much of my songwriting has of late. I wrote the music on a keyboard and the lyrics just seemed to flow. I’ve recorded a basic version. I may record more but as with all of my music I’ll keep it to myself.

Feeble

You’re feeling less than loved in a place that’s strange but old to you
you were reaching out for something to bring you something new
body screaming silence while your eyes are truest blue
I was always more than just someone to screw

He grows more conservative with every day that passes
reject from the seventies in aviator glasses
turns into his father for everything that matters
but it happens slowly, you can’t see it as it shatters

You like to pretend that you’d come out fighting
but you cannot get away from all the gaslighting
spying eyes are keeping visions of you in their ever sighting
you tell yourself it’s real, but that’s just the lighting

You’re living in a world that’s full of growing neurosis
your life is a bleeding field of emotional necrosis
but you’ve given yourself to that abusive hypnosis
I ain’t saying nothing new, this was your diagnosis

You think your life will change if you alter your address
but you know it really won’t it’ll still leave you in deep distress
pretending that you’ll make some kind of progress
this is fact ain’t making — any kind of guess

Life is what it is and I know I cannot change it
but every day I wonder and I wish that we could kiss
I hate to see you lose your dreams in living fucking tedious
for the sake of stable living to the exclusion of the passionate

Most of what I am writing these days is hiphop lyrics and beats. Most of it never finds it’s way to this website. But sometime it does, and this is one of those times

Waiata

All these things that are left behind that I can’t feel
in the light of the day it seems so real
the look on my face is one I can’t conceal
if people ask me I lie and tell them it’s no big deal

Outside the window the snow is still falling
I tell myself that I can still hear your voice calling
inside my heart to you I am still crawling
to the beat of your drum I am still all in

You’re all up in my head as I fall onto my bed
filling me with dread and the taste of the tears I shed
I remember all the things that we said

Tried to hard to reach you I’m still trying
you know these words are true and I ain’t lying
when I’m on my own I am still crying
your name on my lips can be purifying

Look to the sky where the stars remain scattered
try to fix all the pieces of hearts shattered
wonder if anything I ever said was more than just chatter
when you’re lying with him did I ever matter

You’re all up in my head as I fall onto my bed
filling me with dread and the taste of the tears I shed
I remember all the things that we said

Sometimes I wish I could just remain sleeping
stop those thoughts in my head that keep creeping
was I ever the one who was worth keeping
did you ever hold me in your heart for safekeeping

I’ll stand in the snow and the sun and the rain
waiting for something or someone to take this pain
turn it to something real bring me love again
still believe in true love in spite of being held in chains

You’re all up in my head as I fall onto my bed
filling me with dread and the taste of the tears I shed
I remember all the things that we said

You’re all up in my head as I fall onto my bed
filling me with dread and the taste of the tears I shed
I remember all the things that we said

Hiphop 0.3

This is what it feels like to feel alone
locked into my house no longer feels like my home
this is what it feels like to feel nothing
staring at the walls straining for something
holding tight just trying to keep from crying and cutting

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

This is what it looks like in the mirror when I see me
locked inside my head where nobody can hear me
ain’t really smiled in months not since the time you last saw me
I guess I have to understand that you must really hate me

I cannot stop believing that you wish that I was dead
it happens when I’m struggling with the demons in my head
happens often at night when I’m in that lonely bed
wonder what I’d look like lying drowned in the riverbed

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

If I believed in any gods I’d be on my knees and praying
but there’s nobody listening to a single word I’m saying
the walls are closing in my eyes blank from your betraying
nobody to hear the music and words of my emotions fraying

I been reaching and searching for something I cannot find
trapped inside the horror of the loss and in my own mind
making beats nobody ever hears with my own rhyme
each one sealed and delivered and with my grief self-signed

Self-injury a way to somehow feel something
or to stop all of the pain and alleviate the suffering
when people die it isn’t them that feels the pain
the left behind are the ones who feel the shame

Peace

Hiphop 0.1

Sobriety is hard — y’all
there ain’t no one left to catch me when I fall
lost in a feeling of love and hate
believed when you said that this was fate
sobriety and cleanliness are something that’s new
just like I believed you when you said you was true

I’ve a history of violence and you know that’s real
but ain’t nothing like the things that right now I do feel
so, I’m a medic — helping up from the line
assisting and resisting all of the time
I’m just some white face in a sea of pain
but my resistance is assistance though it’s not the same
battling through anguish and it’s mine not yours
but I’ll lay my life right down for your noble cause

I don’t even know your pain
I cannot understand
I only know I feel the shame
I cannot now pretend

Resistance is futile while cops walk the beat
doing nothing don’t mean nothing on a dead-end street
like your promises of love and endless heart
never worth nothing except in my art
you broke me and awoke me in a seeming dream
ever was worth nothing but your bitter scheme
you said that you loved me, I believed that was true
but none of your lies turned out to be you

You lied and then you were – spun on a dime
testing and tasting and splitting your time
while I fight for people’s rights
not hiding under middle lights
you are hiding in terror
if you don’t see that now you are living in error

I don’t even know your pain
I cannot understand
I only know I feel the shame
I cannot now pretend