Soot

Smoke drifts aimless from my lips as I step through the snow
weed and cigarette both companions as I walk
breathing in the falling flakes to the sting of my lungs
relishing the sharp in-draw of smoke and ice
my laugh of self-mockery becomes a cough
the barking sounds of neglect and apathy
the sun has yet to rise and this is the twilight of the soul
under battering and relentlessness, a small and sorrowed thing
I wonder if I deserve the suffering, and suspect I do
always finding myself at fault for all things
I draw deep and hold, exhaling smoke to the empty air
watching as it dissipates in the snow-heavy sky
a fading reminder soon lost in the darkness and chill
I am as adrift as that soot and ashen cloud
a momentary evanescence of depleted thought and irrelevant emotion
I speak with candour to my audience of none
probity of speech with none to hear, no witness to this soliloquy
there’s a fidelity to them, these benighted phrases, a testimony of self-derision
they float into the sunless firmament in formless melody
Another breath, another cough against the stillness of the world
another flickering light as a fresh cigarette sparks to toxic life
I am no longer even listening to myself, I too can ignore
to punish or vanquish or mock this indigent disposition

Effects

These are the things you left behind
in no particular order or array
that I keep in desperate safety
the clothes are neatly put away
shirts and dresses hung in careful closets
panties folded in deliberate drawers

Your coffee cup, that I hold in my hand
the pink one with the black cats
that reminds me of who you are
so much I can almost hear you breath
as I measure the creamer to just
the amount you liked

Cosmetics in a pink case
your makeup always just so
but sometimes you came with none
and were still so beautiful that I always sighed
your hairbrush sits untouched
although I have grown my own now

The things that you gave to me
and the ones I gave to you, kept here
in secret by us in our love, now there are more
I had bought for your birthday and holidays
I keep those too, in precise boxes
with cards and chosen words assigned

Photographs and messages and memories
as I see and read and contemplate
bluest eyes stare back at me
and I read the words of desire and adoration
we fit like puzzle parts in perfect alignment
body and heart and soul

These are the pieces of my broken heart
shards unswept from the unhealing wound
as brittle as my voice has become
no amount of glue will make this whole
that you could mend in an instant
while I stare at the fragments on the floor

These are the things you left behind
and I cannot bear to part with them
in the hopelessness of the downcast
I would but they were grave goods in some lost time
to comfort in eternity’s cold aeons
but I breath and walk and ache for the things you left behind

Space (song)

She told me I was her handsome man
but I didn’t see the pistol hidden in her hand
laying next to me with her skin so sweet
whenever we met I was shaking like a leaf
my insides were churning with love
but she played me for a fool and wore me like a glove

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She told me I was the only one
but I didn’t see the hand that held the gun
kissing me soft in pillows and sheets
holding hands when we walked out upon the street
my heart soared whenever she was near
but she played me for a fool never meant much to her

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She took my ring and she took my breath
but I didn’t see the way she was bringing me death
holding me close and whispering words in my ear
telling me that I had nothing to fear
my body quaked in the presence of her
but she played me like a fool or a captured bird

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

I would still belong to her heart
cain’t be nobody else and the world is dark
dreaming she is telling me the things she said
wishing she weren’t thinking she’d be better with me dead
I ain’t going nowhere without her love
just giving to the devil all the thoughts that I’ve had

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

Another guitar based song.

Rain

I’m shutting down my computer
changing passwords and access
there’s no fear left in me
I’m shutting down my phone
with a long-winded phrase
no delight or damnation
awaits
I’m shutting down my house
and my car and my clothes
detached from those things now
I’m putting on a record
so carefully chosen
I’ll dance this one time
until darkness arrives
I’ve put on a mask
a liar’s face of okay
but nothing is or will be
and maybe that is what
makes this fine
I’m putting on a corset of rough hemp
and fibre
scratching while holding
in my unheld hands
rain falls soft over my shoulder
rain falls soft over my head
rain falls soft over my sorrow
rain falls soft
rains falls
rain