Effects

These are the things you left behind
in no particular order or array
that I keep in desperate safety
the clothes are neatly put away
shirts and dresses hung in careful closets
panties folded in deliberate drawers

Your coffee cup, that I hold in my hand
the pink one with the black cats
that reminds me of who you are
so much I can almost hear you breath
as I measure the creamer to just
the amount you liked

Cosmetics in a pink case
your makeup always just so
but sometimes you came with none
and were still so beautiful that I always sighed
your hairbrush sits untouched
although I have grown my own now

The things that you gave to me
and the ones I gave to you, kept here
in secret by us in our love, now there are more
I had bought for your birthday and holidays
I keep those too, in precise boxes
with cards and chosen words assigned

Photographs and messages and memories
as I see and read and contemplate
bluest eyes stare back at me
and I read the words of desire and adoration
we fit like puzzle parts in perfect alignment
body and heart and soul

These are the pieces of my broken heart
shards unswept from the unhealing wound
as brittle as my voice has become
no amount of glue will make this whole
that you could mend in an instant
while I stare at the fragments on the floor

These are the things you left behind
and I cannot bear to part with them
in the hopelessness of the downcast
I would but they were grave goods in some lost time
to comfort in eternity’s cold aeons
but I breath and walk and ache for the things you left behind

Would

I would plant you a garden of the pinkest roses
a place to sit in fragrant abandon with hands held tight
I would give to you those cards and letters
written in my messy hand with grace my guide
I would praise your beauty as I always did
in word both writ and spoke, in song, and in art
I would bring you breakfast in bed, with hot coffee
and some delight I made
I would hang on each word you said
as ever your listener with compassionate understanding
I would take your pain, as I always did
within my touch the healing hands you knew
I would show in a hundred little ways, with each new day
the esteem of love’s benevolent embrace
I would again bring you to the height of ecstasy such
as we only felt together
I would drum your name with every heartbeat
as I do still to this day
I would love you as the sun rises and as it sets
with the strength of the new day
I would love you in the tangle of limbs so well remembered
and the soft sweet kisses of passion
I would make my work your happiness and joy
in which I find my own, your smile my reward
I would love you to the end of my days
and I will, anyway

Inumbrate

One of us should have a good life at least
and it will not be me, with nothing left to strive
but this despised existence in grey shadow
and the ragged dullness of apathy
incipient gloom and the caress of thorns
painted in shades of ashen sorrow
as I sink
sink
sink
no more to rise to surface breath
renunciation of being and joy in every heartbeat thud

Such a simple cure could be found if you
should but find your heart to provide the antidote
to this ravening distress of spirit and drear eye
instead, I am the sacrifice on which you build your life
a trifling thing of no great import or loss
as easily forgot as a word from a stranger
as I fall
fall
fall
no more to fly on light wings
repudiation of all sense of life and delight

Becoming the empty space inside, where
used to reside the soul you took in an offering to yourself
dry as ancient tinder in forgotten ruins
awaiting only the spark you could bring
forever takes a long time to come and go
in austere reminders of love-lit bliss
as I fail
fail
fail
to find determinant optimism
your abandoned dreams still haunt my vision

Kiss

No more shall these lips kiss those of another
for none should compare
where once pink tresses lay on pillowed glory
now nightmare sheets of touchless torpor


These fingers will not caress nor hold in joy or passion
and none shall hear a laughter peal
nor the sounds of mirth be made
the silence is the death of delight


No more shall hearty friendship ring
for those were tossed aside in grief’s storm
and in solitude’s stark glare
the deliberate alienation of all souls


The are no fresh blooms nor shall there be
just dust rings on unpolished wood
dead petals form a graveyard of hope
and dreams lay dying in the remnant of memory


Forgive me then my lack of cheer
in the bleak miasma of an aura grey
cold embers of what once roared in warmth
in blue-eyed gaze and tender whisper


Still I fall into the darkest depths
with despondent desperation of sorrow
growing each hour still, and time heals no wound
grim comes on rusted wings

Permafrost

Snow falls in frozen tears to the icy ground
where once hallowed footsteps fell
the sun has fallen from the frigid sky

Spring will not come, though it may warm
not growth nor scent of bloom
shall make way past this chill
the birdsong melody mere harshness

The stars have all quenched their light
in the depths of the deepest seas
amidst the cold bones of the lost and heartbroken
where lay the not-yet-deceased in bitter ordeal

Summer’s heat will not assail this gelid soul
nor bright shine colour the pallor
where ghosts of kisses still haunt
and the echo of laughter wounds abysmal

Let winter remain, and in its glacial embrace
no glow shall provide comfort
she has become the winter itself in cold
ice, but only I am subject to her whim

Another

light another cigarette
take another smoke
left me hanging here
from the piece of rope
light another candle
swimming in the creek
ain’t nobody waiting
for the kind and meek

take another drink
from the bottle by your side
lonely as you sit
nobody in your pride
singing those songs
your voice a whispered name
still screaming in silence
memory is not the same

take another swig from the bottle
take a hit from the foil
take another toke on that endless weed
choose another life if you can

fake another smile
where nobody can see
fake another reason
for you to believe
pretend that this ain’t happening
don’t know who I am
ain’t no lion but I ain’t no lamb
woulda torn the stars from the sky
if only you’d have asked
give me a reason why

take another swig from the bottle
take a hit from the foil
take another toke on that endless weed
choose another life if you can

Music and words for guitar and vox

Space (song)

She told me I was her handsome man
but I didn’t see the pistol hidden in her hand
laying next to me with her skin so sweet
whenever we met I was shaking like a leaf
my insides were churning with love
but she played me for a fool and wore me like a glove

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She told me I was the only one
but I didn’t see the hand that held the gun
kissing me soft in pillows and sheets
holding hands when we walked out upon the street
my heart soared whenever she was near
but she played me for a fool never meant much to her

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She took my ring and she took my breath
but I didn’t see the way she was bringing me death
holding me close and whispering words in my ear
telling me that I had nothing to fear
my body quaked in the presence of her
but she played me like a fool or a captured bird

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

I would still belong to her heart
cain’t be nobody else and the world is dark
dreaming she is telling me the things she said
wishing she weren’t thinking she’d be better with me dead
I ain’t going nowhere without her love
just giving to the devil all the thoughts that I’ve had

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

Another guitar based song.

White (song)

I break to often
I break to soon
is to damn easy with a needle and a spoon
I break so easy
but I don’t bend
drinking from the bottle like my body never ends
I must be sleeping
I can’t tell
whisper to myself in a voice straight outta hell
ain’t no poet
ain’t got pretty words
ain’t no goddam thing ‘cept what you heard
Another cigarette
and another bottle of booze
held in these chains by my lost muse
when I sleep
dream of better times
when I am awake there’s only one on my mind

I been going crazy, ain’t got no sense of real
I been getting hazy, can’t think I only feel
I was lost for all those years, now I’m seeing I’m lost again
running out of ways to pretend that I can stop the pain

I run so damn hard
I run so damn far
but I was drawn like a moth to the light of that star
I ain’t different
but I’m not the same
feels like I been blinded and maimed
can’t wake up
from this prison cell
gonna get fucked up and sit here for a spell
mind ain’t ready
for what comes next
hitting it again to stop from feeling the effects
of whatever went wrong
and this I know
I am living by the creek and drowning in the flow
head feels heavy
heart feels cold
but I can’t stop wishing for that fool’s gold

I been going crazy, ain’t got no sense of real
I been getting hazy, can’t think I only feel
I was lost for all those years, now I’m seeing I’m lost again
running out of ways to pretend that I can stop the pain

I break to often
I break to soon
is to damn easy with a needle and a spoon
I break so easy
but I don’t bend
drinking from the bottle like my body never ends

Written for guitar, vox, bass, and drum.

Letters

These are all the letters I have not sent
these are the clothes she left behind
I said some things that were not meant
as my broken heart made twists in my mind

These are the places we used to walk
with hands entwined and smiling eyes
these are the words we used to talk
as we lay together it all seemed so wise

This is the empty place in my soul
where she was the only thing that mattered
now I’m lost
in this place with everything shattered

These are the poems and songs
pages on the floor scattered before me
she changed to right all that was wrong
her healing touch brought comfort and peace

Her blue eyes and her long hair
alabaster skin and softness of form
heard angels sing when she was here
now their music is ragged and torn

This is the empty place in my soul
where she was the only thing that mattered
now I’m lost
in this place with everything shattered
This is the growing hole in my heart
this is the lonely beat of a distant drum
this is the piper at the end of the road
I am so cold
I am so cold

I wrote this for solo piano. It’s something I need to do a bit more of (classically trained pianist). I’m still working out if it needs anything more, maybe some gentle brushed drum but little else. I’m (obviously) moving more into songwriting as I go forward. It’s an old skill that I’ve left abandoned for a long time but it’s starting to come back and I’m getting good feedback from people I know.

All the things (song)

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate you told me was driving us

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate your vowed

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I know sometimes I’m hazy
I know that I sound crazy
a mere memory of you is enough to break my day

and the memories still haunt me
your words they still implore me
devote my life to dreams that you will never make real

When we lay and we made love
I felt like I was drawn above
all the things of this world we knew

All the things of this world we knew
All the things of this world we knew

(spoken)
I still love you

This is an R&B song primarily. I wrote it in a furiously inspired 20 minutes. It verges into emo-rap as much of my songwriting has of late. I wrote the music on a keyboard and the lyrics just seemed to flow. I’ve recorded a basic version. I may record more but as with all of my music I’ll keep it to myself.