Existent

There’s copper and salt in my mouth
the sodden mass of decay under my feet
I’m living on cigarettes and coffee
and haunted visions of the living
I’m living in the place where dreams go to die

My hands shake and my body shivers
riven emotion etched on my sallow skin
I’m living on sleepless nights
and haunted desires
I’m living in the place that angels have fled

There’s a stench of death in every breath
rotted aspirations piled in savage middens
I’m living on acrimonious self-loathing
with the ghost of what should have been
I’m living in the place near the edge of the world

There’s vitriol coursing my arteries and veins
searing its way through vital organs and flesh
I’m living on stinging memory
and embittered self-contempt
I’m living in the place that nightmares call home

There’s vitriol coursing my arteries and veins
rotted aspirations piled in savage middens
I’m living on sleepless nights
and haunted visions of the living
I’m living in the place where dreams go to die

Rain

I’m shutting down my computer
changing passwords and access
there’s no fear left in me
I’m shutting down my phone
with a long-winded phrase
no delight or damnation
awaits
I’m shutting down my house
and my car and my clothes
detached from those things now
I’m putting on a record
so carefully chosen
I’ll dance this one time
until darkness arrives
I’ve put on a mask
a liar’s face of okay
but nothing is or will be
and maybe that is what
makes this fine
I’m putting on a corset of rough hemp
and fibre
scratching while holding
in my unheld hands
rain falls soft over my shoulder
rain falls soft over my head
rain falls soft over my sorrow
rain falls soft
rains falls
rain

Days

Another year has passed today
brute reminder of time and tide
and I remember one year ago
and other times long past in shuttered forgetfulness
of tear stained pages torn from lost notebooks
and memory
How bright the world then in autumn blush
now drowned in bitter rain
another year passed and maybe last
as my purposeful inaction brings a closing
an end to the weariness and ennui
those malign cells multiplying as I do nothing
to stop the spread
instead offering them a warm welcome
in this worn out frame
Another year passes to be marked with
sorrow and tears
unbidden remembrances of joy
and acerbic mementos of other days
I am a relic of myself now
not some cherished keepsake or souvenir
but a buried secret and an untold story
and would that I could vanish now
as forgot as a discarded toy
that none should mourn nor pity
on this of all days let it be so
Let there be no indication that I ever passed this way
Let there be neither memory nor thought
neither echo nor response
the strains of my piano faded and gone
guitars unstrung and voice not heard
we are all forgotten in time
I just wish it sooner, more thorough, more complete
and now biology will answer honour that request
with malformed cells and spreading death
Today my keyboard sings sad jazz
my fingers remember old ways and forms
as I improvise and find haunting melody
my voice now a breathy catch
of sadness and soul
I play an hour on a theme from
my funny valentine
the keys aching with each note and each
phrase in hushed lips
spider fingers on cobweb keys
I play for myself and for you
on this day, in this place
in the growing dark
wrapped in it’s warm embrace
writing shit poetry
and keyboard riffs
and hoping the end come soon

Naomh Briste

I am the shattered saint, patron of the broken
ahead a ragged army of the lost and the forsaken
I’m the empath with lost faith
the humanitarian with no trust
in humanity
I thank the gods that this will end
I thank the gods that none will care
I am the shabby martyr for all your sins
patron of the distraught and distressed
I’m the lonely voice for all the bereft
keening cry unheard
I am the silent scream of the crucified soul
thankful that none shall hear
I am the lost and lonely in overwhelming sea
I am the burned and bridled to witch’s stakes
I am the vengeance unspoke and the words unwrit
I am the sacrifice that you made
I am love without reason and hate in a word
I am passion personified
I am a figure left on a broken cross
in hands and side I bleed
I am the shattered saint without remorse
on whom the lovelorn feed
this army march with splitted tongues
and while they have their truth
I still must write these fractured words
thank gods it’s over soon

Cede

Cell division gone bad
where six months back there was nothing
now malformed malignancy grows
a quickening of grotesque replication
and metastatic spread
too damned tired to care
Watching detached and making
no plans for fight or resistance
let this just be as it is
let it all go in surrender to fate
and it will become harder, more difficult
to complete the simple or the easy
The dead do not care that they are dead
it is only the living who suffer
so push them out now, that none
may notice the void in the wake
nor weep false tears of pretended loss
as the forgetfulness of time runs its course
Weariness in bones and spirit
makes mock of a will to fight
so there will be no battle for extended time
just this quiet acceptance of circumstance

Crackle

I rise in the pre-dawn hour before the faintest light
the darkness brings strange shapes to familiar forms
and I am the stranger in this town
Sewers run atop the streets and roads unseen
the crass reminders of unequal distribution and
entrenched power
I can rail against this shit all day
the misogyny and racism, the transphobia and hate
but I’m preaching to the converted
or the vulnerable
and I want to fuck you or just hold you close
Shimmering violence decades renounced
but words have power too
the trees find monstrous forms in the gloom
I will not be a part of this romance
I cannot ever take that chance
I will scream, I will defy, I will do anything I can
but I am impotent against the world
Like a cock-soft motherfucker with delusions of porn
and the worship of war
seeing people as either enemies or potential non-consensual
fuckmates — and I want no part of either
and unable to discern between the two
It’s all exquisite taste and fucking lies
Writhing in shit and bile
And rape and violence and macho insecurity
I want for nothing in the pre-dawn hour
One foot follows another
This is what I do
I walk
I tread
The soles of my shoes wear thin in endless steps
I think of you and how I would like to
Hold you/fuck you/cry into your breast
Laugh at myself
Laugh
La fin

Endearment

Hold me under the water, cut away the emptiness
the makeup I used to wear is faded and gone
My eyes now lined not by pencil but life
correct my fucking defects
as you will
Tear my flesh to make me real
rip great gouges in my soul
and show me where humanity lies
and humanity lies
lies
lies
I cannot distance myself on my own
the missing knight on the chessboard calls
lost without his horse or tackle
tilting at windmills while Sancho Panza
looks on in awe and sadness
I lost my touch like a crippled Christ
no longer healing but trying despite
The followers who distort and fail
if I could take my own advice
if I could take
if I could
if I
Fallen like a broken god
all pale skin and crimson gashes
And no believers left
Your funeral mouth mouths words
Without meaning or import
This is where kisses go to die

Placid

My eyes have lost the fire
but have now a strange kindness
a projection of the answer
to a secret question only I know
the chill of the morning warmed only
with the softness of my gaze
The blaze has gone and left mere ash
soft as talc as it blows on the breeze
wafting away the ash of everything
but that gentle benevolence
as the time to fight has past
gone into shadowed history as if
it never was
I’m awash with calm in the eye of it all
a sad serenity accepting all that comes
with only stillness in my soul

Quasar

This is me rediscovering myself, finding within me that defiant core
that stare out at the world, neither part of it nor above it
an observer of the times in which we live
This is me remembering myself, free of the chains of dependence
that held me back from my realisation
a howl in the moonless night
This is me restarting myself, becoming the fiery centre
that burns in the heart of the human spirit
a flame to light the way
This is me finding the freedom, to let go of it all
that which is gone and done
a beacon bright in beloved dusk
This is me in blaze, a supernova explosion of neutrons and heat
lightspeed across the universe
rebellion against entropy