This is the story of my life, and it is not
some pretty tale, some fairytale
no happily-ever-after
the short story is I was born, and thus I die
as do we all
and along the way – suffering –
alone and in tears and in agony
I can count the ways, in which it has hurt
the death of my daughter
the loss of redemption for the things I have done
and though I believe in none of those things
a thought that I should be tortured
for eternities in hell
I suppose I’ll find out soon
I deserve nothing less
and you absolved me of my sins
in that brief moment of your lies of love
then threw me under to burn
and I do, in this addiction, in this pain
that only you could bring
I know how it makes me sound
that I would give again my daughter’s life, just to be with you
and ever give mine for yours
and you would give nothing for me
I’ll make all your dreams come true
by giving up soon, by allowing the darkness
to take me far gone, where you can forget
as you always wished
that I never was


A single teardrop falls with a lonely sound
splashing down to the floor below
to join the ocean in endless swimming
where the sea monsters lurk
You threw me to that watery expanse
anchor wrapped tight in chains
around my willing legs
no mermaids here, just your siren song
and the crashing rocks on which I fail
I’m lost somewhere between
Beethoven and Burzum
in rage and in love
and the need to be loved in the same way
that I love
I was broken and you healed me
before you broke me beyond redemption
as some special fuck you, just for me
callous design, cold lack of heart
as if you planned, from beginning to end
my destruction


Do not seek me under sun’s rise or set
not in fields of flowering spring
I am not there anymore
look for me under that funeral moon
Do not seek me under blue skies or grey
not in healing rain or sunshine bright
I do not reside in those halls
look for me under the funeral moon
Do not seek me in the blossom of life
not in graces of gods or delight
I will be long departed
look for me under the funeral moon
Do not seek me in the hallows of love
not in beauty of lust or desire
I have no place in this play
look for me under the funeral moon
Do not seek me in muse’s embrace
not in charms of pleasure or glory
I taste the walls of despair
look for me under the funeral moon
look for me under the funeral moon


Today is the best day of the rest of my life
and today is a nightmare
the worst I’ve ever had
emotional overload and agony of spirit
it’s worse than yesterday or the day before
and tomorrow will be worse again
all the skills I learned useless against this onslaught
I no longer care to try for anything
more than this, and soon that too will be gone
I cry at everything now, each television show or errant thought
a reminder and a damning indictment
and all my worst fears are true and real
abandoned and alone in spite of love and your promises
I’m self-medicating my way into
oblivion and the void you left behind
and no amount of mindfulness or distress tolerance
is working anymore
the inevitable end will be a blessing
for me and I think for you
you must wish me dead and gone, a forgotten chapter
in your life