I speak no ill of you in word or thought
nor in act nor deed
no malice crosses my mind in reflection
just the gentle anguish of love

My suffering is my own to bear
sleep wakened in sweat and terror
there is no peace in night’s repose
nor in the light of daytime sun

I pace in endless steps from room to room
in dark or well-lit hours
restless mind with anxious tread
held under the weight of crushing speculation

There is no serenity to my soul
in these benighted hours
I curse the moment of my birth with each passing second
tendrils of self-loathing wrapped around me like a shroud

I have no fear left to gain
now that all the horrors have proven true
insular and bereft of hope or joy
there can be no rescue in callous disregard

I would wish to fall to dreamless sleep
the coma of the damned and distraught
and wake not though the world should fall
to rubble around my still silent form

Let me fall then, a failure of being
as profound as loneliness and sorrow
or the distance between the stars


Hope is the worst of human emotions
it reeks of false promises and hollow vows
it crumbles with inevitable certitude
to dust, dry on the remains of the skeletal floor
Hope lies to us all, with it’s thought of better times
and all dreams become nightmares
as it fails and collapses into ruin
and when the poet wrote of the sign at the gates of hell
perhaps those words ought be inscribed
for each of us at our birth
Abandon all hope, ye who enter this world
Hope whispers lies in our ears and in our hearts
perhaps Pandora ought never have let it free
Hope springs eternal damnation and suffering
it is naught but a chimera
a mirage of the oasis in the desert as we
blindly rush to our doom amidst the wreckage
Hope is a whirlwind of destruction on the human soul
it rends our flesh and grinds our bones
it shreds our hearts and souls in wanton fury
the torturer of humanity, mocking as it laughs
in the face of our torment
Hope is the hell that binds us


I am coming, my departed loves
Cassandra and Gabriel and Dante and Belle
and you! Although you be not gone to that sleep
but to you I am gone regardless
I am coming soon
Wait for me there that our love may be renewed
there are only the two of us left now
Wash and myself
and the insufferable grief I feel
for your silence and callousness
is immeasurably made worse
by this loss today
My reasons to continue have been halved
in the fell swoop of fate
and a malicious universe
if I have defiance it is soft and broken
like the last words of the condemned
and not so much a railing ‘gainst night
but a rolling into it
I am coming, my departed loves
let them mix my ashes with yours
let then, my capacity for love — unparalleled
be the legacy of this life
if my ability to love is beyond measure
then so too is my capacity for pain
and this grief feels like
the camel’s straw
added to the load you placed there
these five months past
I am coming, my departed loves
the dead and the silent one
I am coming and there is no blaze of light
I know that well from experience
and if there was a heaven then you would be there
all of you
in some personal realm of love and joy
but alas there is not
and we depart as alone as we come to the world
Yet I journey
I am coming
I am coming
I am coming