Space (song)

She told me I was her handsome man
but I didn’t see the pistol hidden in her hand
laying next to me with her skin so sweet
whenever we met I was shaking like a leaf
my insides were churning with love
but she played me for a fool and wore me like a glove

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She told me I was the only one
but I didn’t see the hand that held the gun
kissing me soft in pillows and sheets
holding hands when we walked out upon the street
my heart soared whenever she was near
but she played me for a fool never meant much to her

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

She took my ring and she took my breath
but I didn’t see the way she was bringing me death
holding me close and whispering words in my ear
telling me that I had nothing to fear
my body quaked in the presence of her
but she played me like a fool or a captured bird

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

I would still belong to her heart
cain’t be nobody else and the world is dark
dreaming she is telling me the things she said
wishing she weren’t thinking she’d be better with me dead
I ain’t going nowhere without her love
just giving to the devil all the thoughts that I’ve had

Devil has kept a space for me
he says I’m going nowhere without some relief
but I’m too broke to break these chains
gonna bathe in the fire and live with the stain

Another guitar based song.

White (song)

I break to often
I break to soon
is to damn easy with a needle and a spoon
I break so easy
but I don’t bend
drinking from the bottle like my body never ends
I must be sleeping
I can’t tell
whisper to myself in a voice straight outta hell
ain’t no poet
ain’t got pretty words
ain’t no goddam thing ‘cept what you heard
Another cigarette
and another bottle of booze
held in these chains by my lost muse
when I sleep
dream of better times
when I am awake there’s only one on my mind

I been going crazy, ain’t got no sense of real
I been getting hazy, can’t think I only feel
I was lost for all those years, now I’m seeing I’m lost again
running out of ways to pretend that I can stop the pain

I run so damn hard
I run so damn far
but I was drawn like a moth to the light of that star
I ain’t different
but I’m not the same
feels like I been blinded and maimed
can’t wake up
from this prison cell
gonna get fucked up and sit here for a spell
mind ain’t ready
for what comes next
hitting it again to stop from feeling the effects
of whatever went wrong
and this I know
I am living by the creek and drowning in the flow
head feels heavy
heart feels cold
but I can’t stop wishing for that fool’s gold

I been going crazy, ain’t got no sense of real
I been getting hazy, can’t think I only feel
I was lost for all those years, now I’m seeing I’m lost again
running out of ways to pretend that I can stop the pain

I break to often
I break to soon
is to damn easy with a needle and a spoon
I break so easy
but I don’t bend
drinking from the bottle like my body never ends

Written for guitar, vox, bass, and drum.

Letters

These are all the letters I have not sent
these are the clothes she left behind
I said some things that were not meant
as my broken heart made twists in my mind

These are the places we used to walk
with hands entwined and smiling eyes
these are the words we used to talk
as we lay together it all seemed so wise

This is the empty place in my soul
where she was the only thing that mattered
now I’m lost
in this place with everything shattered

These are the poems and songs
pages on the floor scattered before me
she changed to right all that was wrong
her healing touch brought comfort and peace

Her blue eyes and her long hair
alabaster skin and softness of form
heard angels sing when she was here
now their music is ragged and torn

This is the empty place in my soul
where she was the only thing that mattered
now I’m lost
in this place with everything shattered
This is the growing hole in my heart
this is the lonely beat of a distant drum
this is the piper at the end of the road
I am so cold
I am so cold

I wrote this for solo piano. It’s something I need to do a bit more of (classically trained pianist). I’m still working out if it needs anything more, maybe some gentle brushed drum but little else. I’m (obviously) moving more into songwriting as I go forward. It’s an old skill that I’ve left abandoned for a long time but it’s starting to come back and I’m getting good feedback from people I know.

Dead end blues

Five and dime got a glass of wine
got a bottle of tequila and I feel real fine
round here all the work has run away
and there ain’t much left to make the young folk stay

Drinking from the bottle and taking the pills
ain’t nobody laughing life ain’t got no frills
picking up food from the dollar store
trying to pay the rent and it looks like war

Landlord coming and no money to pay
end up on the street as a lonely stray
heat turned and off no way to pill the bill
trying to hide the cold in these stolen pills

that’s us
we’re living on the edge and we’re sinking like while we cuss
that’s us
we’re driving to the end of the world
that’s us

My wife is staring hard at me
kids are going hungry no way to relief
was love now it’s only survival
neighbours looking less like friends and more like rivals

banker man is mailing me
telling me to pay what I can’t see or believe
when the work closed down had nowhere to go
and the government don’t care they just put on a show

sad songs, trying to make ends meet
dreams of better days are bittersweet
Cheap liquor and gas station booze
trying to keep away the dead-end blues

that’s us
we’re living on the edge and we’re sinking like while we cuss
that’s us
we’re driving to the end of the world
that’s us

We’re driving to the end of the end
that’s us
we living on the edge and sinking while we cuss
that’s us
that’s us

Music to follow. I’m trying to avoid writing hiphop because I feel it might well be cultural appropriation. This isn’t traditional blues by any means. It resides in that darkl place of the southwest of the US

Dolor

Trying so hard but can’t get through this pain
lost in anguish I can’t break these chains
babygirl can you feel my endless blame
it’s all on me this sorrow and this shame

Trying hard to get through with booze and drugs ain’t right
but without you I am only crying deep in the night
so I drink and I take pills and wish this feeling would go
but there’s only two solutions and I can’t let you go

did you lie when you told me, that our love was true
was I distraction from your life while I believed in you
I still believe in fate you told me it was real
but now I’m lost in something you could never feel

all the hiding and secrets we shared were to me a way of life
I wanted and I needed to make forever mine
you swore that you loved me in breathless passion then
were you lying, did it matter, I only want answers, damn

you told that you were scared when I saw someone else
said you couldn’t eat or sleep that it destroyed you like nothing else
said you finally understood what I went through each day
each day we said goodbye and you went back to the life of dismay

Held you in my arms and we kissed and we fucked
you vowed to me a love that you were never giving up
now I’m stuck here on my own with only memory to help me
there ain’t nothing I wouldn’t do if you’d only but ask me

Snippets

She said our love was forever
apparently, those words meant
something different to her


The fire two nights ago, just up the street
triggered my PTSD and I shake
the nightmares stay while awake and asleep
as I struggle to get through the day
unbidden horror memory of my daughter
while she was still with us


I’ll spend the new year, in solitude and tears
with a forty of tequila and a bottle
of Vicodin forgetfulness
amidst the wreckage around me
I hope to be asleep by 10pm


Broken heart shattered my mind
in ways I could not understand
I pick the pieces from the cold floor
to build again a man of sorts
resembling in shape and form some human
thing with no core


I was baptized in blood and fire
now that’s all that remains
blood and fire and bleeding skies
and broken promises of better days


I’m busted inside
there ain’t no place I can find
solace from this suffering or empty decline
so I drink away the pain
until nothing remains
except the feeling I miss everything from your loving gaze


I keep trying to put myself back together
like a 1000 piece puzzle
with no picture to guide me
but some of the bits are missing
and the ones I have won’t fit together
the middle is empty


As I try and get over the effects of the fire up the street the other night, I start to understand just how vicious the effects of PTSD are when triggered. It isn’t just the panic and anxiety, the hyper-vigilance and nightmares (both awake and asleep). You lose your sense of self and being when it happens. You become nothing more than a ‘thing’ that reacts to stimuli and just wants it to stop. Almost an automaton, although one that can form sentences.

Having multiple events, and C-PTSD, can make this even worse, as they tend to feed off each other even if totally unrelated. Back when I was learning to fly, we were taught about the ‘graveyard spin’ which tends to be caused by multiple conditional factors coming together at the worst possible time (usually under IMC conditions). A loss of sense of the horizon, of level flight, and the reactions it causes. Your instruments say one thing but your body and mind say another. This is somewhat similar, and probably the best analogy I can come up with to describe it. The spatial disorientation in a graveyard spin when flying is, I think, reflected in the emotional spin that occurs with PTSD triggers.

Just a thought


I love you still

All the things (song)

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate you told me was driving us

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t have to
keep on loving you
through all of the pain in my mind

I wish I could let go of
all the things we dreamed of
through all the days that went by

I wish I didn’t need you
but like a fool I still do
you haunt my days and my nights

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I wish I didn’t want you
but I do and still love you
my cross to bear in the darkness all alone

I wish the words you told me
when you were held close to me
were the truth as I believed you said

I wish the things you promised me
were really true and to this day
I believe in the fate your vowed

(spoken)
I wish I didn’t feel these things, all the suffering and sorrow that the thought of you brings
but my love for you shines through in my darkest hours, remember when we always had fresh flowers
the solace that we found in each other’s arms, kept us warm and safe from harm
all taken away without a word truly spoken, is it only me with my heart broken?

I know sometimes I’m hazy
I know that I sound crazy
a mere memory of you is enough to break my day

and the memories still haunt me
your words they still implore me
devote my life to dreams that you will never make real

When we lay and we made love
I felt like I was drawn above
all the things of this world we knew

All the things of this world we knew
All the things of this world we knew

(spoken)
I still love you

This is an R&B song primarily. I wrote it in a furiously inspired 20 minutes. It verges into emo-rap as much of my songwriting has of late. I wrote the music on a keyboard and the lyrics just seemed to flow. I’ve recorded a basic version. I may record more but as with all of my music I’ll keep it to myself.

Neglect

I was not always as you find me now
with wretched tears and body failing
from neglect and desperation
there was once light and hope within
She came on invisible wings, and with glowing smile
a wave of words tore down those walls
and ramparts so carefully built
soul bared before her and secrets shared
known to no others in our lives
my naked heart a beating offering to her hands
She cherished and brought blooming delight in her gaze
brought ease to days and handheld kisses
skin to skin and heart to heart in closeness
whispered words left me defenseless
before the sweet assault of passion’s embrace
I vowed my love and hold it still
an eternal flame of devotion and desire
that glows within me this day and all
The remnants of those walls and high battlements
dust before her simplest smile
With the passing of those barriers love poured
in deluge and flood of overwhelming rapture
I cannot build them back
where once they fell as she took hold
now thorns and briar grow
where once in pride and glowing spirit
now cinders ring the ground
I would but fall now, wretched tears and
failing frame, among the cinders and the memories
the pictures and the messages
all those words of devotion sent, that I read over again
as if to find in my tearstained eyes
some semblance of love’s refrain
Instead I am as you find me now
hollow shell in broken frame, haunted gaze
and dreams of her from which I would not wake

Repose

She was the first to say the words
three syllables that set my heart to flame
and soaring delight
the tender passion of word and deed
bringing warmth and unbridled ecstasy
all stolen moments and kisses
and lovemaking in secret
promises of ever love
she was the first to say the words
and I gladly took them in
and gave my own in hallowed tone
and the bright sparking enchantment
in the power of that purity
her snow-skin and azure eyes full beauty
shining soul from within as blazing beacon
and I was drawn in moments that stretched forever
to the benediction of her love
those words were the last she ever spoke
aloud to me
in that voice I still crave to hear
beside me on the pillows we once shared
with tangled limbs and the peace we found
held close in arms and serene repose
as my heart broke it took my mind
shattered like so much glass on the floor
of her loving betrayal
yet still, through tears and soul-drenched fear
I dream to hear again those words
from those perfect lips in her melodic tone
I wait forevermore