Sometime while I was asleep on Sunday night into Monday morning something went wrong. I woke, tried to rise, and fell. My balance was gone. I had to grip the wall merely to stand upright. I couldn’t see out of my left eye. I felt weak on that side. I felt confused and struggled to find words even in my own head. It was later confirmed that I’d suffered a stroke. I am recovering. I managed a short slow walk this morning, listing to the side as there is still some weakness there, but I managed it.
I’m not elderly. I’m far from overweight. I exercise daily. I do have a couple of other, longer term, health issues (for which I stopped treatment some months ago), but this was a much more immediate danger. Over the last eight months I have put my body through some rather abusive times. One’s emotional and psychological state can have severe impacts on physical well-being, especially when combined with extraordinarily self-destructive behaviour. When that state is brought on by intense emotional trauma that doesn’t improve with time the results are obvious – at least in me.
Having had some time to reflect on this event (and the ones that preceded it – I’d had some moments in the last eight weeks or so that I am now told were precursors to this more serious incident), I’m almost bemused. I’m only writing about this here. I’m not telling friends or family (and only one of my friends is on this platform). I’m probably not going to make any of the recommended lifestyle changes. It isn’t that I have a deathwish – I don’t. I’m not actively suicidal. But I don’t have a lifewish either. I find myself profoundly indifferent to my own fate. Filled with empathy and compassion for others, but not really giving a damn about myself.
Some months ago, during the first month after the trauma that has had such an impact on my life, I completed my formal will. I left everything to the cause of that very trauma. It’ll no doubt be something of a surprise. I have no beliefs in gods or religion, so I do rather ask that if people feel the urge to comment they don’t bother with that. I accept that this is almost all my own doing as a result of the life I have lived since March. I’m not looking for sympathy or compassion. C’est la vie.
I will continue to write and paint (I’m a flawed if passable writer at times, and the worst painter ever but I really don’t care). Although that is somewhat more difficult for me right now. Music might be out of reach for a few more days at least. I have half worked pieces I hope to finish today. I’ll continue to provide whatever entertainment or food for thought I am able. And that includes today when I hope to post both a poem and a painting (lol, yes I know you can hardly wait!).
Thanks all. I’m grateful for all of you who regularly read my thoughts. NB 2020