Cloudy

My nephrologist is from Portugal,
and she is very nice
and she tells me I’m going to die
because I refuse care and treatment
and I can only think that this is justice
for a life ill lived
I’m racing my mother to the grave
but what use is this anyway?
to be tied to a machine or take ownership
of somebody else’s life
or one I wish not to live
This is remorse
one last gasp at redemption
as if in letting this happen I can
in some small way
make up for what I have done
the day it occurred
that I gave up caring
I thought of you
and how little it meant
to you if not me
I await the dark