Belt

I drank again last night
that deep dive into bottled desperation
I found no comfort there, no consolation
or precious peace
just pieces of me floating
on the hazy tide of regret and lament
I don’t recall if I prayed your name
but I do recall my tears
great heaving gasps for air and breath
and the drowning rush of smothered hope
nothing gained — not even
the briefest abatement of this tumultuous time
just another self-debasement to add
to the wretched register of dereliction
and repine rain
headfirst into oppressive oblivion
seeking that amnesic delirium that only comes
in momentary instants and I cannot wipe you
from my mind
I woke from fretful sleep with bile and stale
cigarettes my sole companions
tasting of contrition and self-disgust
I tell myself that I will not return to inquire
of ethanol’s delusions
for answers or elucidation
but I am a defeated man, subdued by forces
I do not understand or comprehend
demoralized and doubtful and the empty glass
still holds in thrall

3 thoughts on “Belt

  1. I rarely drink anymore since alcohol is a depressant and slows down your system and I don’t recover like I did in my twenties. I enjoy a glass of wine here and there but for the most part, I prefer having control over my body. I do partake in the herb tho. It helps the anxiety, insomnia, and depression. People find me boring since I don’t do the clubs and bars anymore. But to be honest, I hated going to the bars and the club getting drunk because guys didn’t know how to keep their hands off of me and I’d have complete strangers touching me inappropriately. I’m now a boring homebody.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve stepped into a bar for a single drink once in the last few years. It’s been a lot longer since I’ve been in a club. I don’t like crowds much. So I stay home. I had stopped drinking completely, and was better for it. Recent events have driven me back. I don’t like it, but at the she time in many ways I don’t really care anymore either

      Like

      1. I completely understand. I don’t like those things either. Hope you start feeling better soon. In my experience, heavy drinking puts me in more of a downward spiral. Sending light.

        Liked by 1 person

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