Cracked

She never uses the word but I know
my therapist thinks that I’m broken
too much emotion, too much pain
in spite of the other side of that long playing 33 1/3
where I also feel too much love
and that is what always
brings me down in the end, that self-doubt
and loathing and expectations of myself
too high to reach
I first took the blade some decades ago
trying to cut away the discomfort
of feeling too much, or nothing at all
a cold comfort of steel and blood
to ease the anguish of trauma
my body tells that tale in old white and newer purple
traceries and fractal lines
Self-destruction has always been
my method of coping, and I tell myself
it’s so I don’t hurt others, taking it all on myself
but really it’s because I don’t know
any other way and would rather
sabotage myself than cause another to take blame
and I feel undeserving of love

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